Faithfully Embracing Home

After our son Isaac’s treatments were concluded from an aggressive form of pediatric acute myeloid leukemia, we were often asked how people could help families who are still battling cancer. The main thing to remember is this: needs change over time. Though a family might not need help over the summer, they may need it in the fall when school is back in session, or vice-versa. Keep offering. Second, when you offer to help a family, mention specific ways that you can help. They are more likely to accept your assistance if you offer it in concrete ways. For instance, I was more likely to accept the offer for childcare from those who specifically mentioned it than from those who gave a blanket offer of, “Let me know if I can help in any way.”

The fact that cancer families need help is obvious to them, but sometimes they struggle to come up with ways ahead of time until the need is right upon them. Then they might feel guilty about asking because they feel like it would be imposing to ask last-minute. I loved when someone offered to give rides to any of our children for anything, even if it was last-minute. That took off the pressure at a time when I might be hesitant to ask.

Here is a list of possible ways to help beyond the obvious one of giving money (which was tremendously helpful). Some of these ideas are specific to pediatric cancer.

• Pray for them. Ask them how you can pray specifically, and tell them that you’re doing so whenever you see them.
• Driving. If your child is on the same sports team as one of their children, offer to drive them to and from every practice and competition. This enables the siblings to continue having somewhat of a normal life, rather than theirs stopping on account of their hospitalized sibling. Our neighbor did that for us, and another mother offered to drive our son Sage to every after-school and evening school social function with her son (who was a close friend of his).

• Yard care. Mow the lawn, trim the bushes, weed the flower beds or garden. One friend orchestrated leaf removal in the fall for us, which was an enormous blessing. You could even round up a team of people to do this. When family time is so strapped, the last thing many cancer families want to think about is the yard work when they finally get to be together.
• Help clean their house. This could be another one which you could potentially coordinate a team of helpers to give the house a deep clean, complete with appliances.
• Offer to take their car to get the oil changed.
• Cook a homemade meal. After being at the hospital all day, I cannot tell you the love and support communicated through food. Since cancer treatments tend to be dreadfully long, remember that this need extends long after the first month when everyone initially wants to help. We were blessed to receive meals over the course of six months.
• Bring a homemade baked good.
• Offer to coordinate a meal train. These are wonderful! As a family we loved seeing who was bringing the meal and what we would be receiving. It was convenient that it enabled those providing meals to see what you have recently received so that you don’t get overwhelmed with pasta meals alone. Our meal train had three meals per week due to the abundance of leftovers each meal yielded, but you can ask the family what they would prefer.
• Offer to pick up items at the grocery store.
• Call the patient and ask what foods he or she is missing and bring it to them. It’s funny that it’s not necessarily the junk food they crave. Per Isaac’s request, my Aunt Carol faithfully brought Isaac fresh washed plums, peaches and grapes. He loved it. Other times it might be a hot order of fries or a specified type of doughnut. Since their tastes often change as they undergo chemo, don’t assume they will want the same thing every time.
• Make homemade soup. I loved bringing it to the hospital for my lunch.
• Give a gift card to a restaurant or an ice cream parlor close to their home to give the family a little break. Alternatively, a gift card to an establishment close to the hospital is handy too. A friend gifted us an Au Bon Pan gift certificate, which was located adjacent to the hospital. This was perfect for lunches for the parent who sat bedside.
• Give a gift card to a gas station. We received a few of those, and we thought that they were great ideas given how much gas we used with daily hour-long trips to the hospital.
• Buy them a parking pass to the hospital.
• Offer to coordinate a fundraiser. Some ideas could be initiating a Go Fund Me webpage, a pasta dinner with a silent auction or a walk-a-thon. We were astounded by the funds raised through the pasta/chicken dinner, t-shirt sales and Swim-a-thon on our behalf.

• Donate blood. Donating blood through the American Red Cross or other blood banks enables cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy to continue through their treatments when their blood counts drop too low. Isaac required dozens of blood and platelet transfusions throughout the course of his treatment, and as a family we now love to give back by coordinating/hosting Red Cross blood drives and donating blood to save the lives of others who we may never meet.

• Offer to watch their children after school until they arrive home. Maybe you offer one day a week, maybe all five.
• Treat the whole family to a fun activity when the patient is home. One family gave us tickets to a local amusement park. Wow! Other ideas can be mini-golf, bowling, aquarium, museum or movie tickets.
• Do something special for the siblings who can sometimes feel left-out when so much attention and gifts are showered upon their sick sibling. Such outings help reduce resentment.
• Offer to babysit for free so that the parents can have a date night.
• Offer to take one of the parents out to coffee or lunch to catch-up or just to listen if you are close to one of them. They need support, though sometimes they may not be willing to slow down the frantic pace if it means stepping away from their child. Yet isolation will likely set in eventually, so keep offering.
• Offer to stay with the family for a few days or a week to care for the other children, do laundry, dishes, make meals, clean, etc. We felt blessed to have my mother as the anchor manning the household for the majority of the time. Other family members flew in to help for a week to give my mother a break.

• Visit the patient in the hospital. We loved when our visitors brought their favorite board game to play with us. Isaac especially loved having his peers visit him, for he loved playing board games or video games with someone other than Mom or Dad. The best idea a visitor had was to bring Nerf guns and a remote-controlled helicopter. They had Isaac try to shoot balloons and the copter while they flew it around the room.

• Offer to sit bedside with the cancer patient one day or evening so that the family can have a day-off from the hospital if they need a break. Cancer parents usually bemoan the very thought of their child being by themselves in the hospital. After I left for the day, we loved that my cousin John and Aunt Mary would often come in the evenings to visit. Every Sunday morning someone from our Sunday school class would sit with Isaac so that we could attend church together, and then we would then visit him after church. The need for spiritual refreshment and encouragement for the parents is essential during this time.
• Send a care package to the patient, even if they are in the hospital. Candy, books, games and toys were always welcomed, particularly toys that were age-appropriate that required time to build or complete (Lego sets, intricate coloring books, crafts, etc.). Remote-controlled items with batteries are also great for a bedridden child.
• If the patient is undergoing transplant, offer to keep their plants or any pets during their time of home isolation.
• If the patient is undergoing transplant, offer to keep any sick siblings at your house to protect the transplant patient until they get better.
• Offer to walk the dog every day. Simple as it sounds, the help in the ongoing routines is the help which makes the biggest difference.
• Offer to take the dog to get groomed if it requires grooming.
• Offer to bring the patient to their chemotherapy infusions. We loved seeing our church rally behind an adult friend with cancer by transporting him to and from his infusions.

• Encourage them during the difficult days. Cancer is not a sprint, it is a marathon. When difficult times come, a network of friends, family and a caring community can help the patient to maintain a positive outlook and cling to hope, which is essential during a lengthy cancer journey.

Remember to keep offering specific ways to help since needs change over time, and loneliness is a foe that can easily creep in when discouragement is high. Small acts of kindness can help lighten the burden and help the family cling to hope and understand that they do not have to walk this journey alone.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Below is an inspiring short documentary showing Isaac giving back to the cancer community by participating in the Swim Across of the Sound cancer fundraiser. Produced by his friend Jeremiah Rushnik, it is an uplifting and captivating snapshot of how family and friends rally together to help others amidst their medical hardships.